Struggles

I am not sure what it is about me or about my mental state, but I can NOT seem to get a hold of my emotional life. I seem to always have an excuse. I NEED to lose weight. I have to. My life will never change if I do not change. I want to be happy. I am a beautiful, loving confident woman. Right? I have to believe that I am. I need to eat right. I need to exercise. I need the money to purchase an elliptical machine so that I can run this fat butt off. Ok, I have done this before. I joined weight watchers in January 2005. I have a series of Christmas photos from my work parties. Lets go through them. Shall we?

Ok so here we have it. This was One week after we got married. We had just gotten back from our honeymoon. I think that the skirt I am wearing is a size 12.

This is one year later. The day before our anniversary. By the dress and shirt I am wearing I am going to say that I am still a size 12. I do look a bit thicker than the previous year.

I can't tell what I am wearing under the poncho. However, seeing as I am trying to hide under a poncho I would think that I am not too happy with what is going on underneath. I remember joining weight watchers the following month and my first weigh in was 191.8 pounds. So it is about that. I think size 16. Bra size 38C.

Right? The one year I am rocking my bod like a HOTTIE they do a FAR AWAY shot! Jerks. Ok so I joined WW in January. I was 191. By October I had lost 44 pounds and I was 147 pounds. I was wearing a size 8,  but I did have one pair of pants that were 6. My bra was 32C. I followed the plan. Ate what I should and "wanted". I had only exercised 4 times that year. The change was in my eating habits only. I was happy. I told Mark that I wanted to lose 8 more pounds and then I wanted to have a baby. Pretty much at that point I plateaued. I got cocky. I thought I was hot and I knew that my husband and others around me thought I looked amazing. Never get cocky.

So I let it go a bit, I had some issues at work, and I transferred to a different branch. I went back up to a size 10. No biggie. One size won't hurt right? I was still very cute, PLUS all my favorite clothes were in size 10.

I got pregnant this year! So happy. I was working at yet another branch, and that facility had a gym I could use. I was working out at work and trying to not gain too much weight. Pre-pregnancy I was 178 pounds. (yeah I had let myself go a bit) While I was pregnant I weighed 218 pounds. When I came home I had lost 26 pounds. Still that was 192. I lost all but 4 pounds. So I was at 182. All my hard work had seem to have been wasted. When I went back to work I was wearing a size 14. I was trying to lose weight again. Then I hated my job. I wanted to be home with my baby. I became emotional.

I think I hovered around size 14. Things were getting harder. I wanted to lose, but my baby was such a distraction. I just love playing with her so much. My husband was pulling away from me. He wasn't happy anymore. Was it my weight? Was it the responsibility of being a father?

Mark has been unemployed for 6 months. I am working full time supporting our family and Mark calls me at work and says that he thinks we should have another baby. I got pregnant around the time of this picture.  I was 218 pounds. He was unhappy. I know that now. I was too! But not because I didn't love him, he on the other hand didn't love me, but I think that he was trying to fix things by adding another baby in the mix. He doesn't think rationally. He does this often.

September 2010-
When I gave birth I was 232 pounds. I had lost weight the whole time. Until the end. On December 7th 2010 all four of us went to the Ogden Temple and were sealed together for eternity. I was happy. I thought he was too. We did not attend my company party this year. It was hosted on our anniversary and Mark didn't want to go.

On January 26th 2011 I found him in bed with another woman. I moved out of our house that we shared for 8 years and moved in with Jessica and James on February 16th 2011. In March I joined WW again and I started out at 228 pounds. I had little success. Six months with Jessica and I moved out into our own apartment.

January 2012-
I joined Gabrielle and 3 other friends in a weight loss journey. I started out 2012 at 240 pounds. It has been 10 months. I have not seen results like I did in 2005. I wish that I was only so happy. As of this day I am only down maybe 4 pounds. Maybe. I will have to weigh in tomorrow. In April or May I had lost  17 pounds. Alas, I gained it back. I just can't seem to keep my self control or emotions in check. WHAT do I do? I need someone to help me.

Growing Boy

I have taken a week off of work to teach my sweet son to use the toilet. Man were we ready for this! He is doing great. However... he has YET to poop in the toilet. He keeps doing it in his undies, or not... ugh. What do I do?

Lorelei

No Words

There are no words to describe the way I am feeling and no way to even convey it. It is like I can't say it out loud... because then someone would know. Guess I am down today. *breathe deep* I should google some Depeche Mode videos.

Feeling Good and Losing Weight

April 29th 2012. You know? I am feeling good. I am happy, finally. I do often worry that Mark is not paying any sort of child support what so ever and is not trying to find a job but open a stupid recording studio. Like that is going to help any? Selfish, pure selfish. He only cares about himself. He is disgusting. Other than when he makes his existence known I am truly happier without all of that weighing me down. Speaking of weighing me down... I have been losing weight. I am down 17 pounds since the start of this year, and that is including bumps in the road. That also increases my happiness. I am now where near my goal weight, don't get me wrong... but I am at least heading in the right direction. I am also going to church today. That makes things better. My sweet children light up my life. They are the most wonderful gift I have ever been given. They fill me with so much love. I would not be the same person without them. We have so much fun together. I love just looking into their beautiful faces. Well, I guess I don't have that much to say.

Finally Single Again

April 20th 2012 Well, my divorce was signed on April 9th by the judge and recorded on April 13th. I am really happy that the chapter in my life can finally be over. It definitely relieves some stress. I have also been working on myself. On my self esteem and self control. I have created a plan to make myself better and it has been going great for the last almost 4 days. Day one I lost 1.8 pounds, day two I lost 1.2, day three I lost 1.4. Awesome. I have worked it in that I don't even need to cheat. There are little fun items in each day. I know I can do this this time. I will do it. I am worth it. Today is a new day and I am happy.

Rehab

Today is March 29th, 2012. I couldn't get a hold of He who must not be named, so I called his mother. Turns out he is off in rehab. Great. At least he is getting help. How could I have chosen so wrong? Not sure what to do from here. Five more days. Five. I am sorta having a bad day. Not his fault, just... it's there.

First and foremost

Today is March 13th, 2012. There are so many changes in my life all the time. Today for example, I mailed off Mark's copies of the divorce papers. When he signs for the mail tomorrow he will officially be served. It has been a year and a month and a half since we split. About time I followed through with it. But you know what? That is my own deal. It was my decision to procrastinate. I needed to go through the motions. Mourn the loss of my marriage. I won't lie and say the whole thing was amazing, but it wasn't all bad either. We started out as any other couple. We were in love. We had fun, and then... well then he decided to stop loving me. Now let me tell you. I am worth loving. I don't want to get into all the dirty details, but let's just say he lost his mind an ruined everything that was good in his life. In fact, he is still doing it. Me on the other hand. I am happy. I don't have to deal with his wild mood swings (yeah that was a Cure reference) I have two amazing kids that keep me a lot of company. I am actually really excited that the paperwork is finally going. I just hope and pray that this can be over soon. I have this party planned out for this Saturday, I will be 30. Yeah, I know... I said above that I was already 30, but instead of freaked out I find it sort of comical. HA! I am already that old? WTH? LOL. I rented out Classic Skating in Layton for a private party. It's really funny. 13 going on 30. I have a whole group of people invited, and frankly I am a little afraid that I will have a lot of no shows. I know, I sort of have abandonment issues. It's lame, I know. I will get over it I am sure... But for now, I walk tall and try to keep a brave face. The reason I have used the black eye photo for the theme of this blog is (and it's makeup) that sometimes you get a little beat up, but you need to keep pushing forward.