I am not sure what it is about me or about my mental state, but I can NOT seem to get a hold of my emotional life. I seem to always have an excuse. I NEED to lose weight. I have to. My life will never change if I do not change. I want to be happy. I am a beautiful, loving confident woman. Right? I have to believe that I am. I need to eat right. I need to exercise. I need the money to purchase an elliptical machine so that I can run this fat butt off. Ok, I have done this before. I joined weight watchers in January 2005. I have a series of Christmas photos from my work parties. Lets go through them. Shall we?
Ok so here we have it. This was One week after we got married. We had just gotten back from our honeymoon. I think that the skirt I am wearing is a size 12.
This is one year later. The day before our anniversary. By the dress and shirt I am wearing I am going to say that I am still a size 12. I do look a bit thicker than the previous year.
I can't tell what I am wearing under the poncho. However, seeing as I am trying to hide under a poncho I would think that I am not too happy with what is going on underneath. I remember joining weight watchers the following month and my first weigh in was 191.8 pounds. So it is about that. I think size 16. Bra size 38C.
Right? The one year I am rocking my bod like a HOTTIE they do a FAR AWAY shot! Jerks. Ok so I joined WW in January. I was 191. By October I had lost 44 pounds and I was 147 pounds. I was wearing a size 8, but I did have one pair of pants that were 6. My bra was 32C. I followed the plan. Ate what I should and "wanted". I had only exercised 4 times that year. The change was in my eating habits only. I was happy. I told Mark that I wanted to lose 8 more pounds and then I wanted to have a baby. Pretty much at that point I plateaued. I got cocky. I thought I was hot and I knew that my husband and others around me thought I looked amazing. Never get cocky.
So I let it go a bit, I had some issues at work, and I transferred to a different branch. I went back up to a size 10. No biggie. One size won't hurt right? I was still very cute, PLUS all my favorite clothes were in size 10.
I got pregnant this year! So happy. I was working at yet another branch, and that facility had a gym I could use. I was working out at work and trying to not gain too much weight. Pre-pregnancy I was 178 pounds. (yeah I had let myself go a bit) While I was pregnant I weighed 218 pounds. When I came home I had lost 26 pounds. Still that was 192. I lost all but 4 pounds. So I was at 182. All my hard work had seem to have been wasted. When I went back to work I was wearing a size 14. I was trying to lose weight again. Then I hated my job. I wanted to be home with my baby. I became emotional.
I think I hovered around size 14. Things were getting harder. I wanted to lose, but my baby was such a distraction. I just love playing with her so much. My husband was pulling away from me. He wasn't happy anymore. Was it my weight? Was it the responsibility of being a father?
Mark has been unemployed for 6 months. I am working full time supporting our family and Mark calls me at work and says that he thinks we should have another baby. I got pregnant around the time of this picture. I was 218 pounds. He was unhappy. I know that now. I was too! But not because I didn't love him, he on the other hand didn't love me, but I think that he was trying to fix things by adding another baby in the mix. He doesn't think rationally. He does this often.
September 2010-
When I gave birth I was 232 pounds. I had lost weight the whole time. Until the end. On December 7th 2010 all four of us went to the Ogden Temple and were sealed together for eternity. I was happy. I thought he was too. We did not attend my company party this year. It was hosted on our anniversary and Mark didn't want to go.
On January 26th 2011 I found him in bed with another woman. I moved out of our house that we shared for 8 years and moved in with Jessica and James on February 16th 2011. In March I joined WW again and I started out at 228 pounds. I had little success. Six months with Jessica and I moved out into our own apartment.
January 2012-
I joined Gabrielle and 3 other friends in a weight loss journey. I started out 2012 at 240 pounds. It has been 10 months. I have not seen results like I did in 2005. I wish that I was only so happy. As of this day I am only down maybe 4 pounds. Maybe. I will have to weigh in tomorrow. In April or May I had lost 17 pounds. Alas, I gained it back. I just can't seem to keep my self control or emotions in check. WHAT do I do? I need someone to help me.
